Mining For Porcelain

I have another dentist story to tell.  My dentist (have I mentioned that I adore him?) is a very kind anc thoughtful man.  We have a nice rapport and I can talk to him easily and he likes to joke and laugh which I thoroughly appreciate. To me, there’s nothing worse than a healthcare professional with no sense of humor.  So, anyway, he keeps telling me that he has all these funny stories and I keep begging him to relate them to me but he won’t.  Something about patient confidentiality. Yeah, blah, blah, blah.  He knows I blog and he told me the last couple of times I was in there “I can’t tell you any good stories because you’ll blog about it!”  And your point is??? I told him I wouldn’t use any names (even his) and I won’t know the names of the people involved but I still can’t get him to come clean.  But I think I’m wearing him down!

 I think most of you remember my rant about swallowing my crown a while back? Well, I spent SEVERAL appointments and many hours in his chair to get it replaced.  No, I did NOT use the one that I swallowed. I don’t even want to go there.   He did assure me it was a common practice, although I can’t stomach the thought of it, and that many people do resort to “recycling” their caps/crowns if they have not broken and are still in good shape.  I didn’t think I’d had that one that long but he said I was due for a new one even if I hadn’t swallowed that one.  I think he felt sorry for me for having to spend so much time in the chair for the last one and gave me one story. I hope I can recount it correctly.

 He (my dentist)  took the  time to explain to me the procedure for recouping a pooped crown which involves saran wrap over a toilet bowl, rubber gloves and albeit LOTS of disinfectant.  As I said before, there ain’t enough disinfectant in the WORLD to make me put one of those back in MY mouth.  Once it’s been through the poop shoot, I’m out of the loop.  Nope, no way, I am NOT so piss poor that I have to resign myself to the shitty end of THAT deal, pardon my French.  I think I’d probably go toothless first.   There is actually a website that guides you through the process on how to do it too. Here’s that link:

 So, anyway, you get the idea of how it’s done.  The story goes there was this man who “lost” his crown (not the princely kind, even though it did involve the “throne”) and decided to take the LONG and winding (how long are your intestines?) road to recovery.  His dentist supplied him with the rubber gloves and told him how to cover his throne for maximum protection and how to ultimately follow his treasure hunting heart in the pursuit of porcelain from beginning (mouth) to end (you get the idea).  This man’s wife was a flight attendant and much to her gratitude to the porcelain god as well as the One above, she happened to be out of town for a few days on her own adventures while her husband was on his treasure hunting safari in his own jungle room.  When she got back from her trip she asked him if he’d recovered his crown “jewel” and he told her no, but he had been “searching” for gold, or silver or porcelain or whatever it was made of every day (just that thought makes me want to hurl).  And lo and behold, he needed to go right then!  His wife told him to have fun, but she was going to go to the grocery store and she would be back “later” so he could have privacy.  Yeah, she just didn’t want to be there in case he asked for her help.  NOT that I blame her…. AT ALL…. I’d have high tailed it out of there too (sorry for that pun).

 As luck would have it, fortune (and the porcelain gods?) smiled upon him because as he sat down on his throne (he was wearing pants that had a cuff on the bottom) he noticed something in the cuff of his pants.  Hallelujah! It was his crown!  He hadn’t swallowed it after all!  Somehow it had fallen out of his mouth and into his pants leg!  Yippee… no more poop diving!  Done with the dung mining!  So, now…. He decided to have a little fun with his wife.  He knew she’d be gone for a little while and since he already had the “throne” ready, he globbed peanut butter on the plastic wrap donned his gloves and waited to hear his wife pull in the garage.  He ran in the bathroom, put on his rubber gloves and smeared the peanut butter on his gloved hands and the crown. 

 As his wife comes in with a cheery “honey I’m home” he comes running out of the bathroom covered in POOP (or so she thought since she didn’t know it was peanut butter) holding the crown in his poop covered fingers and says “Hey, honey!  Look what I found!!!”  And pops it back in his mouth saying  “Look it still fits!!!”  Word is she passed out cold right there!  I wonder how long before he was out of the dog house on THAT one? 

Thanks doc!  And see?  I didn’t tell…..much….. J


About pegbur7

South of the Mason/Dixon Line
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10 Responses to Mining For Porcelain

  1. Ron says:

    “He knew she’d be gone for a little while and since he already had the “throne” ready, he globbed peanut butter on the plastic wrap donned his gloves and waited to hear his wife pull in the garage.”


    This sounds exactly like something “I” would do!!

    But I totally agree with you….

    ” I think I’d probably go toothless first.”

    There’s no way in hell I would recycle that molar – HA!

    FUNNY post! Thanks a for sharing!

    Hope you’re enjoying a great Saturday!


  2. UUUURRRRGGGGHHHHH – Gross!!! But I was laughing while reading all of this… Damn, that must be awful, needing to go through that to recover a crown >.<

  3. Jimmy says:

    I can just imagine the look on her face at that sight Ha Ha what a great story I am glad he shared that one with you 🙂

    I am with you on searching for the lost treasure, it just wouldn’t be worth it for me.

  4. terrepruitt says:

    NO WAY!!! “There is actually a website that guides you through the process on how to do it too.” Ok, I am not calling you a liar, but I also WILL NOT click that link . . . so I believe you.

    I can’t even really think about it.

    • pegbur7 says:

      Seriously, just for the heck of it I googled how to retreive a swallowed crown and SEVERAL came up. I was astounded. And pretty grossed out too! LOL

  5. Heather says:

    LOL!! That was hilarious!

    I do question their laundering skills though. He searched for days and still wearing the same pants all that time.

    I am piss poor, but still don’t think I would go that far…UCK!

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