I think I have mentioned several times how I volunteered/got suckered into doing almost whatever was needed in whatever capacity when someone/something needed something done with whatever our kids were involved in. Did I lose you already?
Oh, well….one of the things I was always involved in was the PTA. I have always been a strong advocate for public education and I feel that the PTA (or the ones we were involved in) greatly supplemented and complemented the school system and its educators. I served on many committees, in many capacities throughout the years and always got to know all the PTA officers very well because I usually headed up the membership committee. This also meant that I was always hip deep in whatever project or fund raiser that they had going on at any given time.
One of the on-going fundraisers (that was also fun for the kids) was skate night. The parents would drop off the kids at the skating rink (roller, not ice) and those of us that were lucky enough to get roped into it would “watch them” all. Fun times, I tell ya!
This particular year the PTA president was a very nice African American woman of about 35 to 40 who had like a bazillion kids with her husband of many years. For the sake of the story I’ll call them Sue & Ed. So, Sue, Ed and I are standing just outside the rails watching our kids spin themselves silly. They really were a nice couple. I wonder what happened to them? Oh, wait…. Back to the story…
Anyway, we are watching the kids and there are a group of mommies there that every school I am sure has. You know the ones I’m talking about. They hang out together at every function and when one of them is absent, they rest of them talk about her. They all look like anorexic closet alcoholic yuppies. You know, they have their hair and nails done to perfection at every function and they look down their nose at every one who doesn’t drive a BMW or Mercedes and they spend their days at the gym or salon while their kids are at school. I call them uppity yuppies but you can call them what you like. As long as you call them in time for their cocktails.
I have never hung out with those women. I’m always laid back and sort of gravitate towards the “outcasts” if you will. Anyway, Sue and Ed and I are standing there chatting and someone comes up and starts talking to Sue so Ed and I are standing there watching our kids and talking and we’re pretty much standing shoulder to shoulder and Ed, knowing just how clutzy I am, starts banging his shoulder against mine every minute or two. He’s doing it just hard enough to knock me off my balance. Chit chat a few minutes, bang into my shoulder, me almost fall, right myself, chit chat a few minutes, bang into my shoulder, grab rail so I don’t fall over, steady myself, chit chat a few minutes….. You get the idea? So the stage is set for disaster… just waiting to happen.
So, Sue is talking to a fairly shy, straight-laced, prim and proper mom who is fairly new to the school (we’re old timers) and then we have the cache of snitty uppity mommies pretending to watch their kids but actually just trying to one up each other and then you have me and Ed having our own little scene going with him trying to make me fall on my face and me trying NOT to. So after several minutes of him constantly bumping into my shoulder I lean over the railing so I can see across the prim and proper mommy and Ed to see Sue and loudly proclaim: “Sue, your husband keeps banging me… can you please make him stop?”
I tell ya, ya could have heard a pin drop in the next county. All eyes turned to me. Ed is rolling on the floor, literally clutching his sides laughing, all the snitty moms are standing there with their mouths open so wide you could have gone fly fishing, the prim and proper mom is turning ten shades of scarlet and Sue calmly looks at me (trying to hold in her laughter) and says “Oh, so Ed is banging you, huh? How long as this been going on?”
It took me probably ten seconds for it to FULLY sink in what I had said. Then MY face turned ten shades of scarlet and Sue is joining Ed on the floor laughing her butt off. I’m sputtering like an engine in need of a tune-up, trying to back track and correct what I said. “No, no… I don’t mean banging me, banging me… not like THAT…”
Sue says “Well, then, exactly how IS my husband banging you?”
Me: No, I don’t mean banging… I mean hitting….
Sue: So, now he’s hitting on you? (as she struggles to stifle her gales of laughter)
Me: No, not hitting ON me… just hitting me… you know, banging into me…. No,no….Humping…. No NOT humping… bumping…. Yes, bumping into me.
By now all the snitty pretty little things have run off to call their friends to tell them the PTA President’s husband and I are having an affair and Sue and Ed are laughing riotously and I’m red faced and mortified. At least after I was able to collect myself we got a good laugh out of it.
About two weeks later I see Sue in the grocery store. I’m rounding the end cap of one aisle and she is rounding the end cap about 4 or 5 rows over and yells across the crowded grocery store “hey, Peg…. Is my husband still banging you?” Have you ever seen like a hundred grocery carts come tio a screeching halt? ALL AT THE SAME TIME???? Yea…. She got a LOT of mileage out of that one!