It’s that time again! Look in your archives and find that post that just makes you smile. That post that you keep coming back to and reading over and over.
We’re looking for your favorites, old, new, whatever! Just re-post it and link it to the Spin Cycle!
Easiest Spin Cycle ever, right? Or is it?
I seem to have some strange encounters with doctors or maybe just the medical profession in general. And this has been going on for YEARS. Once when I was searching for a new ob/gyn shortly after we moved to GA I ended up going to this doctor who would NOT look at you when he talked to you. He had no problem looking directly at me while I was talking to HIM but as soon as HE started talking he would either close his eyes while he talked or literally walk across the exam room and look in the mirror and talk to HIMSELF while he answered my questions. I kid you not! Needless to say, I did NOT go back to him but continued on my long and seemingly endless search for a new ob/gyn.
Then there was the overzealous – aiming to please – straight out of medical school pediatrician, who in his misguided attempt to please his patients, misunderstood my then very young daughter’s request to “stick out his tongue and touch his nose” by rolling up his sleeves, exhaling deeply and with a VERY red face, leaned over and licked HER nose! Boy, was he embarrassed when he realized what she really wanted! Her response of course was “Mommy, he’s the FUNNIEST doctor I EVER met!” Thankfully she wasn’t nearly as traumatized as HE was! LOL
Then there was the family physician that I hadn’t seen in over a year after my loss of 100+ pounds who looked at my chart, then looked at me and said “So, I see you’ve lost over 100 pounds.” To which I proudly said “Yes, I did!” And he then deflated my ego by saying “Well…. Why didn’t you lose any in your BELLY?” WTF??? I said “I did! Apparently you don’t remember what I looked like BEFORE?” And he said “Well, you need to exercise or something and lose it in your belly.” REALLY??? I had no idea it was THAT easy! Next time I’ll just tell someone, God, or Mother Nature or whoever is in charge of helping us lose weight that I’d like to lose 20 lbs… 5 off each butt cheek and 15 off my belly. Yes, I realize that adds up to 25, but, I figure the extra 5 can actually just be redistributed UP to my boobs! LOL Haven’t been back to him either!
Then there was the doctor (still on my search for the perfect ob/gyn) who AS he was preparing to deliver my youngest by C-section, looked across my GINORMOUS 9 month PLUS belly, winked at the nurse on the other side, patted my belly and said “She like to eat like hell!” He was Romanian and I figured surely did not have a good grasp on the English language therefore I could not KILL him, at least not before he delivered my child! He also had a nose fetish. Seriously, as you were trying to talk to him, he would walk over and start rubbing the tip of your nose. But that’s a WHOLE ‘nother story…
To get to the story at hand, I need to go back about a year. I FINALLY found an ob/gyn that I thought was gonna be “the one”. He is a very kind, older Indian doctor. He did my exam and my pap smear and it didn’t come back “clear” so he had me come back in. I have been having some problems with bleeding and PAIN… I know… TMI… Anyway, I am lying on the table TRYING to count the tiles on the ceiling rather than LOOK at him or think about what he’s doing “down there”. Here is this little Indian man down there with his arm halfway up my hooha and he says “How does that feel?” So, I’m like “A little uncomfortable…” and he shoves his hand to the right and says “Now?” And I’m like “STILL uncomfortable…” and then he shoves his hand to the middle and FURTHER up my hooha (I’m waiting for it to pop out of my mouth!) and questions “And NOW?” And I’m like “OUCH… now it just hurts.” And I kid you not, he goes (in his little Indian accent) “That should be PLEASURABLE to a woman, not HURT!” And I’m thinking … ok, now this is just WEIRD… first, you’re my doctor and if it DID feel good THAT would be REALLY freaky…. And second, YOU’RE MY DOCTOR! SO… he decides I need to have a “vaginal ultrasound” to figure out what is going on and make sure there are no tumors, cysts, etc. So, we make an appointment for me to go to the diagnostic center the next week to have this done.
If you’ve ever had to have one done, you know first you have to drink like a million gallons of water beforehand, until your teeth are FULLY floating and you are leaking with every step. GOD FORBID you have to cough or sneeze! So I get there 8:00 AM to fill out a book’s worth of paperwork, while I’m still having to drink MORE water and wait for the technician to call me back. This cute little African American girl (ok, maybe she was in her late 20’s or early 30’s but when you’re 50, that’s STILL a girl) with dreads comes out and calls my name to come back for my procedure. As I walk in the room the exam table is in front of me and she waves me over to it, shows me the wonderful paper “gown” and tells me to undress from the waist down. As I go to move the “gown” I notice a hard cover book lying on the table. I pick it up to move it since I am going to have to lay there. She has removed the cover to the book but the title is on the binder and as I pick it up to move it I see the title of the book (NO LIE) is “Why Black Men Love White Women and Why Black Women Hate Them”…… HUH???? ExCUUUUSE ME??? And SHE is going to do my EXAM??? I quickly try to EASE the tension and throw her off her game by BLURTING out…” Nice title to your book!” I am NOTHING if not SUBTLE…. Hahaha She immediately starts in on this RANT about how the white women have “stolen” all the GOOD black men and the only black men left for the black women are the ones in prison or on drugs or unemployed or on welfare or any combination thereof. I quickly informed her that I had NOT stolen HER man or any other black woman’s man. That my husband was white. . . Well…. Mostly… he’s Japanese and Causcasian BUT he’s NOT black so she didn’t need to be mad with me. Then she kept on about the plight of the black woman and how they are the lowest rung on society’s ladder, and how the white women are making sure they stay there, etc. etc. By this time she is in the middle of my exam. She has the wand to the ultrasound shoved up my vajayjay to my navel and the telephone rings on the other side of the room. Yeah, you guessed it…. She answered the phone… She left the frigging wand INSIDE me and walked away to answer the phone! She has her back to me and I’m like waving my arms around like a wild woman saying “Excuse me? Hello?? Remember me? We were KINDA in the middle of something…. Hello?????” Finally, seriously after SEVERAL minutes I hear her say “Girl, I gotta go… I’m in the middle of a test!” Then she comes back over and finishes the test like nothing had happened. I was in TOTAL shock. I couldn’t even express my total disbelief! I WANTED to say something but at that point I was afraid she’d take the frigging wand OUT of my hooha and beat me over the head with it! Then I told myself I’d just talk to the manager before I left and give them a head’s up. After the test she walked me OUT TO THE FRONT DOOR. Besides there was only herself and the two office girls there so WHO am I gonna tell? By the next time I saw the doctor I was over it, mostly… to the point that I did not want to DREDGE all that up again. It was over and I didn’t have to go back so no harm done, right? RIGHT…….
Fast forward a year to my yearly exam this past year…. Still have the sporadic bleeding, pain, etc. He suggests we do ANOTHER vaginal ultrasound. My immediate response is “Isn’t there some other route we can take? Some other alternative plan?” So, he explains that the ultrasound would be the route to go but if I preferred we could try a course of antibiotics in case it was just some kind of infection vs. it being cysts or polyps again. So, we go through the two week course of antibiotics and I go back in the two weeks with still the same “symptoms” and he AGAIN suggests the ultrasound and we go around and around again and “WE” decide to try to antibiotic route AGAIN…. 3 weeks later I’m back with no improvement and he AGAIN suggests the ultrasound and I AGAIN balk…. He finally just blurts out “WHY are you SO averse go having this ultrasound done???” So I go… “Let me tell you a little story…” So I relate the whole sordid story to him by which time he is standing there, incredulous, with his mouth hanging open and says “WHY didn’t you TELL me about this before?” I explained that I didn’t see him for a while, didn’t want to get the girl in trouble (for fear of what she’d DO to me) and that I’d just prefer to AVOID the whole situation. He explained that he is in charge of the board in this area for those types of services, etc, etc. and that he’d make sure he talked to the director of the facility and that I would get someone else to do my test, she’d be reprimanded, etc. So, I RELUCTANTLY agreed to have another vaginal ultrasound with his assurances that it would ALL be ok.
New Year’s Eve was my appointment. 8 frigging 30 in the morning again having to drink a gazillion gallons of water. I get there and fill out my paperwork. The door to the inside opens and I hear my name called and I look up and GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER???? Yes, my friendly, wand wielding white woman hating dread locked technician! I didn’t know whether to run or pretend like I didn’t hear my name. OR that I wasn’t me! She walked directly over to me and said “Are you ready?” BUSTED!!! I had no choice… my options at this point were dwindling fast. I COULD pretend I didn’t speak Emglish? Or could I fake a heart attack??? I opted to pretend I did NOT recognize her. I THOUGHT . . . maybe … she must do DOZENS of these a DAY… no WAY she’d remember ME! So, we go back to the exam room and she shuts the door behind me and says, “Before we get started, I wanted to go over a few things” OK… not unusual…. Then… “I see there is a sticky note on your chart that says that last year I left a wand INSIDE you and took a phone call???” HUH???? What you talking ‘bout, Willis??? Are you talking to ME??? Now I really DID want to run. I TRIED to be as casual as I could and said “Oh, did YOU do my exam last year?” After she vehemently denied that she would EVER be THAT unprofessional and that she could tell by LOOKING at me when I WALKED IN THE DOOR that I would NEVER put up with someone doing that! She could TELL that… no WAY I’d put up with that so it could NOT have happened. Besides… even she DID do that WHY would I come BACK???? HMMMNNNNNN…….. VERY GOOD QUESTION!!! Why DID I go back??? Maybe I didn’t think they would LEAVE A FREAKING STICKY NOTE ON THE FRONT OF MY CHART… or that my doctor would make SURE I had ANOTHER technician…. Or maybe I just didn’t THINK…. PERIOD….. After a few seconds of stunned silence, I finally managed to choke out that I VERY vividly remembered the ENTIRE episode and could relate the ENTIRE event to her because it had made QUITE an impression on me! After refreshing her memory about the book title and her rant about the black men in prison being her only choices she finally sheepishly admitted that she DID remember reading the book and WHO the man was that made her buy it and that she really didn’t need to hear anymore. That she was in a VERY bad place last year, etc. She did finally apologize and then I started trying to joke with her and she said I was so easy to talk to that was probably what happened last year because she just felt so comfortable with me and she doesn’t normally have that kind of rapport with her patients. OK? I guess… THEN…. The PHONE RANG…. I looked at her and she looked at me and said “Déjà vu?” And I said “DON’T even THINK about answering that phone!!!!” We both started laughing. I guess all’s well that ends well? I guess I’ll find out next week. I go back to my little Indian doctor next Friday for my results… keep me in your prayers!
P.S. Went back… now waiting to see if we’re gonna remove the disconnected plumbing so to speak! Thanks for coming by!