An Open Letter to the Fairly Young Lady I Saw Today:
Dear Ms. Fluorescent Yellow Outfit Wearer:
Where do I even start? First of all, it is still winter, we still have another month of it left. Remember that’s what Punxsutawney Phil said? Six more weeks (minus the two that have transpired) of winter so it is still WAY too cold to be wearing that today! I know General Beauregard Lee was predicting a short winter, but CNN contends that he has been wrong roughly 70% of the time. It’s not Spring yet!
Secondly, you are NOT a teenager. You may still be fairly young, but you ain’t no Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift! Dress your age dear.
Thirdly, your outfit WAS SO fluorescent lemon yellow that even though I was thoroughly engrossed in reading my book I STILL saw you coming out of the corner of my eye. Nay, I think I FELT you coming around the corner. It’s pretty bad when your outfit shines brighter than the sun. What’s wrong? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy pay enough attention to you when you were younger? Or do you just feel compelled to be the center of attention? Maybe you thought you were the center of the universe and the planets were orbiting around you?
Fourthly, I think that outfit was meant for someone about 2 or 3 (maybe even 4) sizes smaller than you. At first glance I just thought you were maybe extremely jaundiced and had forgotten to get dressed altogether. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with a woman of size wearing eye catching clothing IF it is the proper size that they are supposed to wear. It’s not that I think you are BIG…. It’s just the outfit was so small. I’m pretty sure that the top was supposed to wear like a dress or oversized blouse, not a leotard.
Fifthly, that belt…. Was THAT really necessary? You don’t think a W I D E S T R E T C H belt with a neon yellow outfit that looks like you were greased and poured into wasn’t just a teensy bit of overkill? And don’t even get me started on that jacket that didn’t even come down as far as the belt…
Sixthly (is that a word?), WHITE CREW SOCKS? SERIOUSLY???? Nuff said on that.
Lastly, the furry bedroom slippers? I’m pretty sure you were NOT in your bedroom or even in your home. Did you not realize you were in PUBLIC? And outside? Did you not even LOOK in the mirror before you left your house? Were you TRYING for shock and awe? Or maybe you just thought we all needed a good laugh?
I only regret that at first sighting I was rendered SO speechless (yeah, I know, me?) and I was so taken aback that I could not whip out my camera phone fast enough to get you in all your frontal glory!
Oh, yeah… and it’s not nice to dig in your butt in public!
Very truly yours,
The UN-fashion police
P.S. The black baseball cap really completed the ensemble. May I borrow it tomorrow?
P.P.S. If you were trying to show your support for Georgia Tech or just Bumblebees in general? I’m sorry, no, really I’m just sorry.