I am seriously beginning to think that I am losing my mind. OK – NO comments from the peanut gallery. Seriously, quit laughing! Those of you who know me? I KNOW where you live! Those that don’t? Have you heard that joke? What do you get when you cross a GPS with PMS? A crazy bitch that will find your ass? That’s me, baby! I think I have already proven my stalkerazzi skills in my previous post. . . so you best be sleeping with one eye open. And stop laughing…
My friend eMHa and I have been talking a lot lately about the “changes” our bodies are going through as we get older. Whoever nicknamed it THE CHANGE was dead on the money! Although sometimes it more of a reverting BACK to previous embodiments. For instance:
My skin is SO dry (How dry IS it? Sorry… I totally heard you say that in my head)… it is so dry that I think I’m flaking from head to foot. I look like a freaking walking blizzard I’m shedding so much skin. I’m not sure if it’s from the dryness or the burn from the inside out.
My face looks like I’m a pubescent teen…. And NOT in a good way. I’m not talking lack of wrinkles and crows feet… got plenty of those galore. I’m talking acne so bad I could be the poster child for Clerasil or ProActiv. Who knew that I should have been investing in acne medicine cream and that I’d have a bigger stash of it now than 35 years ago? Geez… give a girl a break!
And hot flashes? Is that NOT a misnomer? It’s more like a S L O W inferno. I can seriously understand how a person could spontaneously combust. I think one morning my hubby is going to wake up and find a pile of ashes lying beside him. eMHa calls them her own personal summers. I call them my own personal HELL. Not only does my whole body feel like it’s on fire for about 5 minutes it also makes my skin itch and I look like a freakin’ tomato. I can literally watch it in the mirror and see the red spread from my ears to my face to my chest and you could fry an egg on my face or arm. You can actually feel the heat emanating from my skin. You know how on a REALLY hot summer day you can look at the asphalt and see the heat rising in waves? I imagine that’s what people see when they look at me. These have just started this last week and if I have to go through YEARS of this? Everyone in my house better just pack up and leave because I will NOT be fun to live with. I will be impossible to live with. Heck, I can’t even stand MYSELF! And afterwards I can’t get warm. I freeze the rest of the day. My hands and feet are like icicles. My body can’t seem to make up it’s mind.
Therefore THIS is how I feel most days:
The only way I can think of that the name menopause fits it is : Men… you better press the PAUSE button on your life and run like hell cause I can guarantee it ain’t gonna be pretty. It will only be safe to return after it’s all over. The emotions have their own little roller coaster and can’t decide whether I want to laugh or cry. Pretty much I cry at the drop of a hat. I’m pretty emotional anyway and this is just lovely that I cry even more. Last night, watching TV a commercial came on, I think sponsored by the Humane Society and I was boo hooing before it was halfway through. I had to look away and change the channel because I was getting so upset. Thankfully I was the only one home to witness my meltdown.And the memory. I can’t remember… wait – what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, THAT. I remember when I was a teenager my mother used to forget things and do “stupid” stuff and I thought it was SO funny. Not so much now. One of her stories that comes to mind is that she had gone to the grocery store and came back out with her groceries and could not remember where she had parked. She walked up and down the aisles until she found her car. She put all her groceries in the back seat, put up the cart and got in the car and went to turn the key and this man came running up to her car (this was WAY before cell phones). She reached up and locked her door really quickly and the man starts trying to open the door. She’s freaking out and trying to blow the horn and this man is yelling at her to get out of the car. She is yelling back that no way is she getting out of the car. He’s screaming at her that he’s gonna get the cops because she’s trying to steal his car and she’s screaming back that she WANTS him to go get the cops because it’s HER car and he’s scaring her. Then she finally gets the key in the ignition and it won’t turn…. Hmmmnnnn…. She pulls the key out and turns it over and it still doesn’t work. Then she happens to look up and notices an umbrella on the dashboard that ISN’T hers…. She’s thinking “Now where did THAT come from?” Then she glances over and notices that the county sticker in the window isn’t even the county she lives in. She IS in the poor guys car. She apologizes (through the window) and gets out and thankfully he was nice enough to help her find her car a few rows over, but… THAT’S the kind of stuff I’m talking about. I just forget stuff or can’t remember stuff that I SHOULD know. Last week hubby and I went to the grocery store and in one of the aisles we saw this woman that looked VERY harried. No make-up, sweat pants, hair all messed up, looked like she hadn’t combed it, very disheveled looking . Hubby turns to me (after she turns the corner) and goes “Boy, I’m glad you’re my wife because I KNOW you’d never leave the house looking like that! You always make sure you have on your make-up and you leave the house looking like you just rolled out of bed. What are some of these people thinking?” Ummm…. That was LAST week. What a difference a week can make. I tell you. I did not even LEAVE my house yesterday. I didn’t even get out of my nightgown or take a shower until I got ready for bed last night…. Yeah, I just admitted that to the world. I was a shlump yesterday. Today wasn’t much better. I would not have left the house TODAY except I had to go to the grocery store. I did think about it long and hard for about 10 minutes….Did I really want to get up and put on my make-up and change clothes just to run to the grocery store? That just sounded like TOO much effort. So I turned into that woman that my husband referred to so disdainfully.
I just threw on my jacket over my pj’s (at least it wasn’t a night gown) and I DID wash my face, but I did NOT bother with the makeup. And I PRAYED the entire time I was in the store that I would NOT run into anyone I knew. I took longer than I wanted to because even though I had made a list, I kept forgetting to look at it (yep, there’s that memory thing again) and then 3 aisles over I’d remember something I’d forgotten to get while I was on that aisle. Then I’d get there and get something else and forget AGAIN what I really meant to get. I did finally end up with MOST of what I wanted and paid and left. SCORE… made it without seeing single person I know (which is a miracle in itself). I wheeling my buggy out on the sidewalk and putting on my Foster Grants so as to be incognito when I hear “Peg?” Crap! BUSTED….
I turn and there is one of the “cheer moms” of one of the girls #3 went to school with. I pasted a smile on and said “Oh, hi… I was kinda hoping I wouldn’t see anyone I knew today!” laugh laugh and she says “Oh, you look GOOD.” Did I say I thought I looked BAD? Which tells me how bad I REALLY must have looked!
So, anyway… chat, chat…. Ten minutes later I’m practically sprinting across the parking lot before I see someone ELSE I know. I get to my car and am reaching for the handle when I think “Where did this HUGE scratch come from? And this dent? Did someone hit my car while I was in the store?” Then just as my hand lands on the door handle I realize this car is a FORD…. And my car is a VW…. Now how in the HECK can you make THAT mistake? In my defense, it was almost the same color as my car and it was small like my car…. Yeah…. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!